Creative in progress
blog by Kate Aksonova.
Feedback. Week 7.
Mood for creativity.
Love to learning. Week 8.
Knowledge as Kryptonite.
On my mind.
Returning of multilingual blog.
Playwright at work. Archive. September 2017.
Creativity in progress. Archive. September 2017.
I am not a believer in writer’s block. I believe in proper mood for work. When neighbors stop repair because of holiday I am happy and work till pain in shoulders, like today. I know that better to move, search for inspiration. I could write and this in enough for me.
Like I said many times, I want to try short story form. I tried, now it looks like fish skeleton with dialogue tags, but it’s definitely short story, not play.
I wrote two Christmas connected stories, but thought it’s a little too early for them. So I returned to my play characters and add to be continued.
Change genre it’s like change tool, scary and exiting. I always was proud of productivity that I could write tiny play in one day.
Short stories show me another level of productivity possibilities. I wrote two short stories today and invent two more. It’s amazing, but really painful for neck. What can I say – you never know till you try.
New post in Multilingual writer's blog.
I wanted to write today post, but my reality was boiling for post in Ukrainian.
Maybe it is influence from my flu, but when in morning I read this story I wonder why I still didn’t put it on-line. Till I haven’t wish for perfect or doubts I will print next tiny play. I love such kind of dialogues, I could skip part with choosing names.
Play Collusion. pdf
When you have flu, you can't create new proper texts and I cleaned my previous writing. Unusual but it ended in returning multilingual writer's blog. Multilingual writer.
There are mistakes which I made over and over again and now start to call them habits.
Today is time from my post on Ukrainian, but like usual I started with e-mail and delved into deepness on English. BBC, New York Times and Gardian as delivered news, words from Oxford and Meriam Webster daily doze on foreign language which is now most working tool. I write on English what I can’t write in Ukrainian – life in different countries with another level of problems.
I am attentive reader of English content. I analyze new texts, sometimes just to find proves to knowledge which I have before and new arguments for decisions which were made.
I am addictive language learner. I want to know more, what is now in English, not only in news.
I am tireless hunter for writers site with free examples of chapters of their books. I can’t buy what is new, so I am in search for free samples. I left my e-mail in such different sites, that it could be scary, but I need new texts. Fiction texts to feel what is taste of contemporary English. Slang is awfully hard because there is not always explanation in vocabularies. I am frequent visitor to Urban explanations, because I am curious what about people talk.
But after it I should switch on my native language, forget about world around me and concentrate on problems which are crucial for my country.
After solving my dental problem (healing depends only on time now) I became busy with other problems which hadn’t nothing common with creative work. Life happens daily and it costs more than imagined.
Of course I all the time thought about my quietness in creativity. I mean that I think what I write during this time it’s not enough to publish it on-line or senseless if I don’t put to be continued at the same time.
My problem is varied interests, it’s habit from journalistic life. I need everything and immediately. I have references for hundred of stories in few genres. And now because of different reasons, slow internet was just one of them, I had time to think.
I could still live in the box and chose only stories which are possible to tell in theater. I will broke the rules and choose the same characters over and over again.
I could write non fiction articles because there are always what to write about. Just need to choose subject.
I could turn to big fiction and start to write novel. Good time spending for few months or years. I don’t think that I will choose it. I don’t believe that novel made writers. Now it’s proper time to scream how I am wrong. Publishing name on paper don’t change you, it brings more troubles. And write novel on English, I don’t think I am in proper level of self confidence.
Even with few not satisfied result I could and want to try again short fiction. I thought it will be crazy to put on-line script of TV series just to have reason to keep some characters alive.
With short fiction I am afraid to became again inside one shelf or one genre. I will think how and which genres to introduce first to have more creative freedom in future. My creative varied interest will never make my live boring and I will search solutions every day.
On Saturday after noon I needed urgent dental medical surgery.
Weekend is not best time for such activities. I survived:) Maybe will use this experience in some mystery.
Now I need a little rest to back to all stuff. Hope that doctor will say in few days that nothing to worry about, just need some time for heal.
There are times when you think everything you do is right and times when you believe that everything you choose is wrong. You know that I could endlessly talk about language learning, but this hobby is endless mental trap.
When I started polyglot experiment, I thought it’s fun. My attempt with using other people sentences and arrange them to stories was just art for art. Later came necessity of English. And this monster – learning English destroyed all other languages connected time.
Even today in the morning I circled new words which received by e-mail. I understand that if I want to keep slowly going in writing, I need to run during exploring language.
To not switch from one language to other, I also read advices for learners on English. It makes my presence in language endless. But when I read about language learning it’s usually about not English and if article is too inspiring, I start to search recourses for this language. Usually it takes me few minutes to remember that probably I am bewitched. I have my foreign language it’s English and I one more time forget about it.
I read a lot about language education, some inspiring stories about success in schools. There is rule that kids should start foreign language as early as possible. School study books are colorful and even adult with pleasure will flip them.
Basic for school programs – 500-700 words and all this with endless struggles. Is this necessary? We used to think yes. I don’t think it is worth it. I had art classes in school it was without result, when as adult I tried it in month I have result which I didn’t have in five or six years at school.
I am also skeptical about languages. Like I wrote, before endless possibilities of internet I used to buy second-hand books in foreign languages. After few courses in French in a row, I bought just for fun French book for first year in school. It was huge, enormous difference between what I know and what should know little child. As explanation I received “but they are native.” I already was spoiled and knew that in Lviv’s Polish language schools study books are the same as in Poland, so there is possibility not to create this gap.
Endless courses about some language in the three weeks are in reality are just mental trap that you could archive success moving from one level to next. In learning language, better one, you should be hungry to know it, to practice it and learn that you can’t afford one more language. It’s like some kind of religion, you can’t change it on Monday, Wednesday and Friday to have something else on weekend.
Mastering one language take more time than 15 minutes for five languages. Why? It’s more scary, especially when you are writer. I could read some article from where I could circle new 10-15 words and feel myself stupid, because I didn’t reach that level of writing. I need to make pause and remind myself, that others words I recognized and new words are new treasures. That no matter which wishes I have, I made in English progress for which I need decades in other languages. And no matter that I work and read on English, it’s still foreign language. And after that I am free from mind trap that I need one more language to learn, I have English, that is my main target.
November started and I could stop to be guilty that I didn’t finish new text to Halloween. Now it’s proper time to start preparing for Christmas time, isn’t it?
Today is start of most popular obsession among writers – novel in a month. It’s amazingly inspiring – do nothing all year and write masterpiece in one month. All writers which use to write daily or every month feel themselves as tired morons, because it’s almost end of the year. We are tired, we want warm beverage and we already made some amount of work during year. And now all that fresh spirited, infected by Muse, will write 50000 words and be heroes, proud of themselves heroes. The same is with Inktober – you could find daily ideas on some sites.
This writers supports each other. Friendly, like people with the same illness. Normal or daily writer hate each draft of own story and destroy all plans because they didn’t work. I think daily writers should create Not Writing Month and receive the same supports and accolades for that.
Kryptonite is knowledge which we gain text after text, twist after twist and sentence after sentence. We start to see what’s wrong. Notice destroying decisions when lot of work was done. Own recent experience – science fiction creation, like for me needed different end of dialogue at last page. I made it, like it. What I created? Kryptonite, because I see clear it’s beginning of serial, not tiny theater play. Am I happy? I am disappointed that didn’t notice this before backdrop dried.
Stories which are begging for “to be continued” are my nightmares. Knowledge and experience that I could do it better stop me for upload what is not proper for me. New ideas didn’t stop to come. Usually I gave them chance for two or three hand written pages, I even don’t print them at beginning. As result I made a decision “Thank you for drop by, but no.”
Kill your ideas it’s what accompany knowledge. To aspiring writers every idea is most valuable, because there are few of them. When you have possibility to choose, you start to think and you won’t faint if forget in the morning idea, which was such attractive to your mind in the middle of the night.
As writer you should entertain and first of all entertain reader who you met daily, in the mirror – yourself. And if that spoiled creature will say – weak, you could do more or I don’t think that I am really excited to know what happened with that girl which entered in third scene – you stop to write.
Someone in such cases prefer depressions, their choice. I believe in list of daily life disappointments and try not to add there my writing. I begin to experiment, produce more ideas just to throw them away. I had unfinished texts on three languages, I know that I talk about pattern. Just before I didn’t write about that.
I feel some kind of guilt, like promise that I made and didn’t accomplish. Some texts never meant to be finished. Not all promise we have wish to accomplish, every reader could name same examples from own life: “Sorry, interest changed, nothing personal, bye.” It’s painful, but I say no to stories, not people, so this is lighter for my consciousness.
Of course, writers which works with publishing house have other kind of responsibilities. Now there are a lot of self-publishing authors, I don’t believe that their only power is vanity. It’s just some kind of human being, like I usually say “I can’t do anything else, I can just write, it’s my way of living and experienced life – in words” and now in images.
I believe that’s Kryptonite, someone else will name it taste to written work, but it’s usually slow down your process. Because when you know how it works you notice segments which doesn’t work and you spend all energy to save them, because you know without that story won’t breathe.
Maybe internet gods tired of my complains and I received not ideal, but some working speed – 17 MB. Of course, it was too late. I already began transformation. It’s something which couldn’t be undone – I revised my short story of which I was proud before.
Next month you probably will read it as play. Revision was harmful and I noticed that again wrote theater text. I am absolutely open to all creative experiments, but never sure what will have in the end.
Now art, as backdrop, is drying. (It will take no one how long because again there is any central heating.) And I will have a big problem with costumes to my actors. Why? I was creative, too creative… But everyone loves science-fiction, it’s endless possibilities for imagination.
This was second attempt in this year to change my form of writing. Before short stories was experiment with novel. Again it didn’t work. Maybe do what I know how to do.
Just time to time I need some rest in the corner and again I am ready to fight with English grammar. As far as I know, I try not to give it chance to be a winner over my first drafts.
In writing projects, like many writers, I choose project which is most nagging. No matter if it has nothing common with previous plans. I also work on Christmas time backdrop. It’s not on time when everyone are spooky, but it entered my mind, it’s more like December choice.
There are projects about which you think all the time and projects at which you start work. Such projects usually became finished, other dwell in thoughts time.
I was thinking that I should explain what’s going on. Proper and short version – nothing. But I should explain why – nothing. Short version I can’t finish my writing with such internet connection. Long version – text of this post.
For some time I wrote that stopped one or another project. I didn’t explain why. It could be accepted as writer’s block, I wasn’t care too much. It’s more romantic explanation that my reality. My reality that I can’t finish most of my research, no matter it’s about painting techniques or ballet’s vocabulary in French.
Access denied. It’s what I see frequently daily. I can’t work with information or internet, I can’t work completely. There are two explanations which exist for that.
First that my IP-address used, as any Ukraine based address, to make attacks and other computer damages. I have question, maybe dear hackers weren’t attentive to ideas of Ernesto Rafael Guevara de la Serna. If you use my on-line identity I should have more access, not less. Please, check it in future.
Second explanation is more crazy, I am not mad to believe in it, but to be objective I will write it. Problem made government connected special services in Ukraine, for people who too much time spend on foreign sites. I mention this idea, because Halloween should be spooky stories. To made it more chilling, there is explanation that such problems have people who write on Ukrainian and publish this on-line that they not agree with some government decisions. Boo!
Quality and quantity of internet connection is main problem, I know. I spend two hours daily just to check headlines. Not frequently I have possibility to see photos. Videos? Are you kidding me? When for 5 hours I have speed from 0 to 2 bytes and I pay for 60 MB it’s something rotten in providers business.
Honestly, in recent time I checked and tested few possibilities to have other connection with web. Different worse result. Limited time, limited quantity of what you could check. Here is huge problem of priority. When spend two hours to find answer to simple question, you start to ask yourself – is this situation proper, why I should struggle in it, why I need such borders, do I need to find out this.
I hate limitations. I spend hours to increase at least my passive vocabulary. I can’t communicate using only few signs. I am not smart dog in circus performance.
In internet I am from 1999, huge amount of years. What can I say? When I came to internet I believed in it’s future. I made something for it in Ukrainian segment. I believed that we are moving forward, we not walk, we ran backward. There is not fairy tale of be part of all world. Not with our connection and access, no matter who is responsible for that. We can’t be on the same level, we are weak, we can’t make the same work. We live in the past, because you could do nothing, only be proud. Because for future you should work, hard and with proper level of everything, harder then in other countries. To say that I am disappoint it’s to prise this situation.
Every upload of blog took from 30 to 45 minutes. Did I have after that creative mood? Sure! Endless.
I want to tell that I stop this battle, because can’t win. If such situation was few years ago, in 2014 I couldn’t became an English language aspiring writer.
What is my decision? Unusual, but it’s what I think is more proper. First, I can’t promise when will by my next post on-line. Second, I can’t announce which text will be written and uploaded, I am more than in scrutiny of resources. Third, now I am off line, inside my notes and books, not finished projects. I will try to analyze and write projects for which I already gathered some resources and could write without research.
I will do what is possible in my circumstances. I know that time to time site disappears, I could do nothing with that.
Take care, Kate.
Like I promised on Monday, I will tell about my decision about creativity process. Today is day before Friday, so I could write.
Probably I should make it some time ago. Stop, think, change. Every next project was more exсiting than previous and I need to end it before the end of the week. Now ideas of projects are everywhere in my house.
My mood, like name of the post “under construction”. Main wish that everything will work smooth, but sometimes to made work done, you need to close for reconstruct your road.
Of course, I am more than sceptical about theatre, but I love plays writing. Theatre afraid too much of not be successful, shows closed, tickets not selling, and best way to put on stage classics. Classics that was temporary text centures ago. To avoid mistakes it’s better use ideas which already spinning around, not invent personal steps, it’s too dangerous. I wrote about Hamlet and Dracula, but I wanted to made them contemporary not only in costumes.
My main problem work is talking. All my ideas at first appears in blog, like sketches of future project, everybody are already acquainted with what about it will be, any surprise. Of course, I can’t not write about project which I made. But I will add my writing “about” text only in text which will be uploaded. Because of changes circumstances and enormous problems with internet connection (which is crucial for some research), I announced a lot of texts which wasn’t written in proper time or still left not finished. It makes my work messy and spontaneous. I can’t change myself, but I can change how I explain my work – when all done.
Now I want to try new idea with short-stories and I catch myself on thought that everything will spread in my blog posts, and only later will be in fiction. What for if I delete texts after one month in archive? I show all my process, but it’s not visit to candy shop, it’s writing, inventing and it’s open door to my mind and soul. I could show finished image, you know like artist’s studio in design magazines.
I try to make long story short or sound logical, but my blog and writing now under construction. Scaffolding and changes interior now on the stage of future dust it’s not interesting for public eyes, so it will looks like that I am became quiet for some time. In reality it will be hard work on different field.
All my plays are still on-line, contacts are the same, in the end of index page.
I want to work really without showing such lot of the process, maybe it will make change in recognizable freshness of my projects. Every finished stage will be on my site, correct dates I now can’t promise. Probably will stay alive my blog on Ukrainian or if something important to tell I will write post on English. I will try be less journalist – not describe daily life and be more writer and artist – unpredictable.
After that play writing theory challenge I thought a lot. I didn’t satisfied with my results and during research for play I absolutely changed my perception of theme which I researched.
Today I wrote short story, not a play. I liked it and now I am thinking if take some time and research new direction in creativity. I just think that I need to move somewhere. Now I need few more days to deside what to do next. Maybe till Friday I will have new post and explain this changes or decision which I made.
Tomorrow is Friday, 13. I hadn’t relatives among Tampliers, but I think it will be too dramatic post for such date.
Harmless title about love to learning hides other message. I stop and finish my challenge. Not like in joke “I don’t like to boast, but two months diet I finished in 4 hours, 27 minutes.” I have such something in my character which give me strength to stop what I don’t like or don’t see benefits.
What could be wrong in learning about craft? I do what I like, even more that you can imagine. I love to learn new, I am addictive to it – result of which are endless attempts with languages. Articles about motivations to learning I read only as possible new vocabulary. Learning English vocabulary is also big addiction. I could work for few hours with new words. It’s not enough for me, I also daily receive few new words from different services. Power of curiosity is always stronger than struggle with English grammar.
I started this challenge, because change my mind about story. I understand it’s not what I want in my life, no matter that it will look like sane and proper choice. Mood to rebellion I have frequently, because believe in changes and personal perception. Usually I won battles with shop assistants and buy what I want, not what they thought I want. Of course, I hate not finished projects. But there are times when you better stop than continue what is no more a priority. Time moves slowly or faster and you change your mind.
I chose like remedy to learn more about writing, to find reason for finish that story. Knowledge lead to decision that I don’t want to return to this story and new projects became more interesting and they written and uploaded. But I said aloud about my challenge. I learned about craft. Did you asked yourself why such long time we spend in school? Because when we learn, study something we are endlessly busy. We wait for exams in the end of the school year, we know what to do. We learn what is even sometimes interesting, but always new. We remember what we learn... But we don’t use it in our daily life. It’s not about ignorance, it’s about power of not knowing what you need.
I wrote more than 65 texts on English and because of struggle with the story, with which I had struggle every time when tried to write it, I decided that problem is in level of my craft. I know, there is explanation – I had endlessly high level of stupidity in my life, I daily visited organizations to complete paper work with flat. At first I thought that they are wrong, but when you are 7 month under pressure of system to accomplish all you need to satisfy what they ask for you...
Not every language of communication is good to your brain. And after that I dived in the ocean of suggestion for writers. Most of them written by people who themselves make courses, lectures and with some price you will receive knowledge of which you feel terrible lack. They are supportive and give smart advices, but like whispered tune you get that you are not good enough.
I don’t know, if still alive media literacy, but when you had a little rest and you feel warm enough you start to think. And when you think, you started to notice it is nothing new. That you are not good enough you hear daily. You are not good enough, if you don’t have this fall must have bag. Fashion police never will visit my street, I should be calm down. You always not enough fit, tall or talented. You just need some changes here and there. Really? It’s what we have when start to learn something as adults. This is what we have instead of learning new information. Magic pills didn’t exist, if not count M&M's, which I didn’t eat for ages.
My problem to believe all that advisers is that I learned theory of advertisement. You could change form, but I will recognize basics.
I stop challenge not because that I am disappointed in what they proposed. I stop the challenge, because I have no idea where to put new ideas. I invented so many new stories, that can’t finish what I have. In learning is improving and my way of improving to invent new text. If I will listen to them, always will be not enough to do what I know how to do. It’s different when you search during research for something in which you have doubts to learning narrative where always will be level where you should search for mastery. Chefs receives their stars not for reciting by heart cooking books, but for what they could prepare. Why should be something different in writer’s world?
Learning could be made during reading books, not only with nagging advices which bother you from everywhere. Of course, it’s old practice, but it always gave results for which you hoped. New and shiny not always what you need, no matter that everyone insists on that.
Challenge was inspiring, but next time when make such decisions, I should think what result I want. And just in case check, maybe I already accomplished that.
Post on Ukrainian will be tomorrow during the day.
I think most popular topic is how to have/find mood for creativity. It bother painters and writers. My main problem is opportunity for creativity.
In lovely summer days instead of drawing and make some art I spent time with papers and endlessly waited transport. Definitely I hadn’t creative mood after such activities.
And one more thing, which I started to made recently – took time for recharge. This days off I still have wish to do something, but most of the time I stop myself. I don’t think it will change somehow my productivity results. I just stop running from one project to other.
I don’t believe in endless distraction power of internet. At first, because I am not connected or interested in any social media, no matter that there are thousands advices how they are important for artists of any kind. What I check in such kind of media mainly are paintings and they will survive if I will not check them immediately. They won’t notice my absence or prize my hard efforts, they don’t care how difficult every part of work is for me. They don’t care that every internet session is almost impossible because for my country every day is less access for everything. No matter that we need everybody, nobody needs us.
Second, quality of our internet connection better could be described like Zen practice. When I know that it won’t work for hours or days, I just go to other flat and after my house connected activities relax with printed book and don’t check nervously internet every 15 minutes, because I have endless bookmark which I read and use. They say that patience is good quality, perhaps, it’s not my favourite workout.
Mood for painting activity also has nothing to do with creativity. First rule – it’s impossible to paint in warm mittens and lot of warm clothes on you. Second rule – watercolour awfully long dry in cold room. Third rule – circumstances are more powerful than your creative mood.
Problems with absence of creative mood not always in organizing. Creativity is freedom. If you have something else on your mind, it’s difficult to concentrate or have results. Maslow's hierarchy of needs shows that creativity it’s not basic and when you have problems on first level it’s more complicated to fly somewhere higher. And here opens amazing difference between people who create and people who wants to create.
People who wants to create are discussing their mood, find perfect music. Perfect music from noise of repair is loud relaxing music, it becomes absolutely different if you give it power. Waiting for ideas I believe it’s amazing time when you could do warm-up and write on writers prompt. Every story for me is battle. I had lovely, stupid story with humor and love. Light like autumn leaf. Now I can’t move forward because from nowhere came antagonist and with every idea of the scene I invent, she will end in the story draft. Probably I will give chance to her to show why she is such necessary for this story.
Creativity like a hobby is painless. You could draw in three hours beautiful flower and be proud for yourself for the rest of the month. Painter should work almost daily to create enough paintings for exhibitions. Problem that now in creative connected internet everything became one not equal mess. In language learning there are levels and person who could read only nursery rhymes not try to understand Ulysses. And live with that.
In art and writing world in articles they talk only about success or best selling book. There are no levels. At one point it’s amazing – I could put my art work on-line. But for me, I will need next level of madness to propose my works to galleries. And this no levels? Because everything is subjective produce a lot of work which should be work of mind, but usually it’s repeating of steps of others.
Because of absence of clear difference between levels many people quit in creating art. Why? Not all beginners are really beginners and when you compare yourself to them, you are not satisfied with your results and try to find problem in yourself. After such experience find mood for creativity is difficult or impossible. Idea with courses and do it yourself is good, but time to time they should remind people that not everything is done in three easy steps.
One more about language learning. When I return only to one language routine – English in my case, I wanted to work harder on pronunciation activity – for now just scary my bookshelves, no human being is in danger. And about pronunciation. It’s not my business, but is Posh British English accent is dying? Now everything what you could find in internet is based on films clips, scripts – to repeat normal conversation. Most of them based on TV serials and British English with their habit to three episodes or six of Midsomer Murders is out of competition. I always was and is with British tea traditions, but I am under pressure of American pronunciation with 12 to 22 episodes in every season. For now I just listen to some podcasts to better understand words, but it’s so temping to enter in world of movies not films. Like I said, you always find time and mood for what you like. It’s still English, no matter where it made, isn’t it?
When I reread my post, I noticed there are lot of disappointment in result or possibility of my work. Perhaps, because I don’t see changes for good. I notice only +2C in the morning, no central heating, because it was decided too expensive, cheaper is exist in not human circumstances. Some days I feel that could move mountains, because there are few steps to result. Someday I see that I am on the same level and no matter I will do, it won’t have influence on situation.
Today I uploaded additional post on Ukrainian. I liked very much last image, so I decided to put it also here.
It’s what I name multicultural creative. Recognizable Minions and recognizable characters from Ukrainian cartoons serial “Як козаки”.
It’s best way for integrating new knowledge and experience.
Next post 10.10.2017
About weather: huge wind which we have, has name - Xavier and it’s really strong, lot of troubles it made in town.
When I do dull work, I like to listen to lectures in English, for not feel myself guilty of wasted time. Yesterday I was working on organizer for endless Tarot card meanings.
When I understand it will be my third play were I use them in the narrative, it’s time to try learn them.
It was some of TED’s lectures about learning language, not first through that tiny work. I put on pause, wrote some advices which I want to try. Or with association came other ideas for next posts.
What was wrong or what was right in “Learning Languages Emotionally by John Sloan” from December 2016? It was scary truth which make me freeze for some moment. He talked about his program, other helpful thing to learn English. I didn’t use his programs or inspired by them, but what he told it’s great and I have no idea if he recognized that.
Feedback – I named it beautiful. What about he told was glance of fear which you meet in the eyes of every native speaker of language which you learned. They understand that you try to use their language, but they don’t get it. Not for a moment, not for a shadow of hope. I will explain it detailed in language learning, because it’s also my passion, but later will lead it to writing plays or anything else.
When you learn a language there are two kinds teachers. Before that lecture I didn’t recognize how wrong was in perception their impact to my destiny in using languages. Good teachers who inspire and support you with every attempt which you made. Usually it was my English teachers on different courses. You look at them and they gave you supportive smile during your soliloquies of how was your day. You start to bloom and talk a lot. There were also native speakers. The same smile and helpful hand with which you are singing inside.
Everything was perfect till time when I decided to stop my classes and courses. There is never one situation, always you receive lesson at least twice, in case you didn’t hear it first time. Yes, meeting with native speakers to whom you don’t pay for improving your English. First was telephone talk, with mother we were at home of close friend of grandfather, it was many years ago. Grandson of my grandfather’s close person more than friend, finished few years ago English faculty. So phoned, his at that time girlfriend, they broke up now, and he proposed to me to talk with her. On loud voice, with him helping me to create answers and questions we created little conversation about her impressions of last visit of my native town. Why it was such difficult? She is native English speaker. At which level native? She lives in London, UK. My knowledge was useless and I began to learn English by myself. She didn’t ask what time is it and which is best way to find a library. She talk like human, it was scary.
Second, meeting was with Simone Mangos, artist. It was art program with German days.
She proposed to speak on English on press-conference for not use translating, all journalist nervously laugh. She speak English, we waited to translation. I already finished “blue” Murphy and was proud of understanding few words from English conversations. I came with catalogue and asked her for “autograph”. Yes, it’s exactly what I said. She didn’t get what I want, so I repeat “my English” sentence one more time with showing what I need. “Signature?!” she understood me.
We have lovely little chat and I using my English not from classroom. When she returned home she send me her art-work catalogue, because of my different approach to learn English.
Later were endless letters writing around the world. And now I am crazy enough to write on English. Why I changed my relationships with English? Because I stopped to receive only supportive smiles. I received questions from people to whom wrote. They asked for details and I was more precise in answering questions. Every letter took me time to answer. They tell me about their family, relationships, hopes. It wasn’t only “I am a teacher/nurse...”, it were themes which I use in my native language when talk like normal. And this give me crazy idea, in difficult time of accepting wrong situation, to write on English like I wrote on Ukrainian and Russian.
My relationships with English writing is different, because I haven’t correct feedback of my writing. I don’t here where is laugh or gasp or question. I read my translations of texts to parents and their feedback is endlessly important for me. I know whole story, but sometimes could forget to put it in the text. Writing it’s like relationship, you should see eyes of your sweetheart=victim. Without that you lost, you don’t know what to do, what to wait. You need all that nod, little smile, scary look, everything.
Because of this I think writer’s reading is most stupid thing in the world. Sorry to all festivals in the world. Writer could see only strong emotion of listener – laugh, applauds. But any tiny smirks, because you read what is on paper. Writer is just live audio book with which you haven’t real connection.
Playwright always have opportunity to be a spectator, find actors and sit like unhealthy maniac and absorb spectator’s reaction to text which you know after revisions by heart. You could receive feedback before book is printed, you could save your work. Without this, I understand that all my works are drafts. And like show to us art, you could have endlessly amount of draft, but text it’s not alive, it’s project of the text, it’s dream of the text.
I write now only twice a week, so I need longer posts. You could make pauses and return later, I will wait.
Return to teachers of languages. There are others teachers, you feel yourself uncomfortable and start to count days when that course will end. You want home and put on shelf your books. If you know a little about me, French teachers. Pronunciation – endless torture in best Inquisition’s tradition. If you went on French classes and you haven’t soar throat, you are at wrong classes. “R” which you try to pronounce even in dream. Liason – still is word by which you could scary me any time. Joyeux/jaune when you are nervous why your yellow bag became so cheerful. They stop you after which sentence, word, they show they don’t like your pronunciation. Nightmare. Result – on book fairs I received few signatures of French writers and they didn’t run away from me in panic. (I can’t remember where put books and it’s not such interesting, because it were Russian translations of books.)
Yes, I quit lessons because of different reasons. One of them was pressure of what they want from me or everyone as learner. But after deep thinking, if I had money for language learning, I probably will search for lessons which are hard and with feedback.
You know it’s like with why I don’t inspired with fitness club programs for weight lost. Not money for personal advices, but any results. I know few women which choose like religion one or other program. They are inspired, they are supportive, they are happy. Tiny problem – they look the same. In one TV-serial, mystery, I don’t remember name, was episode with humorous glance at weight lost programs. I quote by memory “We are such proud of you, you lost 200 g” and supportive applauds from everyone. About it there is a joke “If you don’t want to kill your fitness trainer or die yourself after workout you do something wrong.”
I finished third page in Libre Office Writer, but I didn’t finish post.
I mentioned few times, how I became playwright. I receive letter of feedback from editor, after my published short story. “You have weak dialogues”. It could change story and everything. I started to work on dialogues, but not in novels or short stories, but in kingdom of dialogues – in plays. I didn’t improve my short stories, I began an love affair with narrative which uses dialogue like main tool.
I received feedback to my plays in Ukrainian as long-list for my two first play and even diploma for one of them. Feedback gave me power. What I do – I do not bad.
Later was experience with translation to English I also received feedback – find someone who will translate your text on English. It was too strong for me, after few month of depression I made decision – I won’t translate my text on English: never. I still could fight for that. What I have now it’s not translating, it’s writing, with enough feedback of what I like an artist see as English language.
Of course, like writer, you know better, but spend some time to receive feedback, hear what people have to say about your writing. In other way you will never change and what you learn it will be language which have nothing common with what native speakers use. When you see this scary eyes, will be too lot mistakes which became your new skin. Don’t live only using feedback directions, but give it place in your life and will be only good.
I didn’t finish fourth page, so I add few more words. My relationships with languages are personal, because I am writer. Returning to Ukrainian give me chance to write about more serious topics on English and left my Friday’s Ukrainian post to write about our problems, not explaining what and why it is. I don’t think that I return soon to writing in Russian. It’s not about politics. I time to time read texts, watch entertainment shows on-line. I understand every word, usually I lost context. It’s became different for me on level of tiny emotions or facts which worth attention. I see when foreigners are wrong in depicting them, but I sometimes lost in interpretations. About problems of my country for me is easy to write on Ukrainian.
Fourth page is finishing – terrible, I know. Length is not for 140 symbols time. After all this thinking I am afraid in moving inside other foreign language. To receive feedback it’s problematic. I don’t need blind support. For now I will stay inside English, if manage, I will retell all stories in monolingual narrative. (Not noticed success in other language learning had nothing common with my decision. I need to see eyes, without this I make mistakes.)
Today I worked on organizing My foto and I also added two more recent photos to it.
Every time when check news it's now just impossible to find words about everything what's going on. Like people lost something and everything moves somewhere not good.
At first few words about weekend – was little earthquake in our region and I had another haircut. I don’t think it connected somehow.
Next, from October I united my two blogs and because there are still both themes in my writing I left both names.
I spend some time in depths of my bookmark, not all the time improve English knowledge. Most of my “later to read” articles are connected with writing. I search there for advices, resembling me experience and new English vocabulary.
The more I read, the less I find connection with my situation. I can’t understand them. I am deep believer that people which work in one profession have something common, or speak in one language, they have something what united them. It’s like when every journalist will make photo or video from the same point of view, because each will see it like attractive. It could be deeper. At one rehearsal of literature contest all playwrights chose one table and all poets other, we didn’t know who other are. It’s like one tiny sound which everyone hear and other doesn’t notice.
With many on-line writers I don’t feel such connection. Maybe because I am playwright, but their point of view also is not mine. I can’t tell that I don’t love my previous work, I like to get back many of characters, I just always see what’s next. It’s like in car, you should see in the mirror what is behind you, but you should look in front, because you are moving there. I am not such attentive to every work. When worked with vocabulary, I find paper with ideas fot two plays from January 2016. One of them became story about Scrabble game, about other I forget, no matter that I liked it, when read.
I see now a lot of imagining in writers life. Perfect notebooks, inspirating candles, especially candless which help to sparkle of imagination. Or like I found one image, blindfolds for sleeping for not having urge to revise text. (I tried sleep in blindfolds when was changed street lights, it’s impossible, if you move in sleep.) Not see what you write this in inspiring, but with my spelling I will need rescueing team to find out which word it could be.
Good also are amazing expensive fountain pens, which helps to create something unusual. For Heaven sake, put on yourself special hat with colourful bells on which in beatiful letters written “Writer”. Or pink T-Shirt with slogan on it “Honestly, I am a writer. No, I am sane.” Writer’s mugs, images on doors all of this part of business “when I feel myself grown up, I will name myself an autor.”
Sacred activity, this writing, but without caldron with frogs. (Sorry for such association, it’s my research for next play inside post.) Preparation for writing to have some mood, it’s more of game than from writing and inventing story itself. Writer should be interested in world which is in her/his mind, not in colour of notebook pages.
My preparation for writing activity mainly depend of weather and time of year. Now we have autumn, central heating is not turned on for now. Some preparation are something warm to have possibility concentrate on writing early in the morning. Mittens with open parts on fingers for typing and hoodie, such way when warm are head and hands I am in full creative mood.
I am boring, because believe that writing is daily job or regular profession. You just produce one text after another, revise it and start research for new project. Sorry for my ideas, I understand that lot of this writers are successful, but most of the time it’s child playing in doctor, when put white gown on herself.
Reading all that stuff with which I am not agree I noticed how attractive this profession is, how people try to add colours or different experience to own life with it. Reading and writing book could be mesmerizing as some kind of magic. I will stop now, because already too deep in next text writing, I don’t mention all ideas till in first draft only 1000 words.
Next post: 6th October.
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