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playwright-blog-by-Kateryna-Aksonova

blog by Kate Aksonova.

Kateryna-Aksonova




    Pressure of passive.
    Public writing.
    A bit of explanation.
    Remedy from boredom.
    Process…
    Conditions for imagination.
    Addiction to planners.
    Hybrid writer?
    Danger.
    Unusual decision.
    New direction.
    Refusal as choice.


      Pressure of passive.


      21.02.2018

      In writing my main problem is find words in which I want to tell story. Yesterday I made little experiment and write one scene in native language instead of English. Result: I was jealous to myself and angry that because of external reasons couldn’t write or publish on this language. It was clear, with humor and endlessly smooth work of my brain.

      After whole day struggles I decided to made new test of English vocabulary knowledge. There is one test, it doesn’t need speed time and I could manage used it with my internet connection. I didn’t cheat. I made it in few attempts – at first marked every word in which I am resolutely sure. At second row I opened dictionary and checked all words which I marked that I met previously during reading. I need it for myself to know what I did exactly. Here is my result.

      playwright-blog-by-Kateryna-Aksonova

      Impressive, for not native is maximum 9000 words, like written on site.

      What I can say? Did I proud of myself? A little, but tired more. In reality I was wrong and thought that problem in my not enough level of English words.

      Main problem is passive knowledge. I read bunch of articles how to solve it. I do everything suggested except daily speaking with native speakers and live in country of language. I almost clear understand every video with lectures, at least I could later spell unknown word and check it in dictionary.

      Perhaps idea to became English speaking writer as mind experiment wasn’t my cleverest. I am bad in planning future perspectives of my decisions or what it will cost me to achieve.

      I can’t forget suggestion which was given to me in 2011 from WPIC’s contest “find a translator to English”. I achieved a lot in this few years. I know that and I see results in my writing, but still level of active fluency is out of my possibility. You know it’s difference between moving by foot and using horses power. With English I would like to find at least pony’s power to move from this plateau which stops me in storytelling.

      Of course exists also one more solution. Inner dividing of texts to texts for which I have enough knowledge to write and publish them. And other amount texts which write outline, drafts in native languages and than put them away to better times. Like with my Ukrainian fantasy – it’s impossible to translate it and also I haven’t proper mood to return in Ukrainian’s language literature, too much hate in our country and I am not ready for this battle.

      Problem with English that I think it’s stupid to stop when I made such progress, but not knowing what to wait it’s what disturb me. I will try to solve this dilemma someday, somehow. I want to make from pressure of passive vocabulary fuel to my work, but I guess I need to add there some flame for chemical reaction.

      13.20

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      Public writing.


      19.02.2018

      Do you ever notice that world change colors when anti headache pill starts to work? It’s not beginning of dolce vita but few steps in that direction.

      Like promised to us workers of hugely repaired flat till the end of the week they will finish changing all electricity. After that they will begin building new walls and ceiling and probably floor, they promised it will be a little quieter. I will wait till they add tower to their future castle. By experience, after such changes owners decide to left flat on rent and didn’t like final results.

      Person should wait for something, it helps. I began desperately wait for spring, because I can’t see snow no more and tired of walking on ice roads which are cleaned less frequent that it need for human’s safe walking. Maybe it’s part of our support to winter Olympics team, to have the same mood.

      Everything what I wrote it’s personal experience which I made part of public writing. I clearly divide personal, which should be for two or more close people with what could be public. But sometimes you just need to tell it aloud, because there is no other way to explain your life and without explanation you receive crisis of communication.

      Frequently my main reason to read about writing is to be impressed by words which one or other writer use about this daily topic.

      Public writing like explanation for blog writing. I learned that not all people are ready to write with knowledge that other people will read them. I never thought about this as problem. My writing all the time read everyone, since school and later in journalistic, it was explanation of world how I saw it or how I wrote it in notebook.

      Decision about blog is difficult decision for lot of people. I believe that could talk or write to everyone, also I am attentive listener and deep thinker – qualities which are rarely noticed in my written presence on-line, but I still posses them. For me change from articles which should be more professional to blog with lot of personal details also wasn’t easy. But in heart of both activities is writing, so it could be done with less struggles in my case.

      What I love about blogging that it’s changing with me. I try ideas and delete if they didn’t work.

      In free books resources there are a lot of American’s writers novels. I am honestly jealous to them – for change mood of story they just move character from one city to other. Pace of story in LA is different from New-York and adding Utah you receive other flavor. And all this in one English language, if they not experiment in showing different accents in written text – it’s painful experience. No matter that they have such amount to choose from they again and again return to Victorian England. Why? I read about writers, who write about islands where they live – for whole world of readers it’s unique experience, for writer it’s view from window.

      To write about Ukraine in English is to remind of headache which never end for Europe. We have troubles with managing our problems, we have problems with clear aims. We have troubles with right and wrong decisions. What I tell you – you read all this in my blog like history of illness and insecurity. I can’t believe that you could work without pressure to your creative life from reality which is around you.

      All inner problems in creativity have roots in unsolvable problems in your town, country, house with lot of neighbors. We all are public in some way or other.

      Idea of magic place without loud repair and nice view is attractive and perfect for daydreaming. What is other aim of writing like not to have chance explore life of your dreams.

      17.10

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      A bit of explanation.


      15.02.2018

      I am always full of plans and ideas, endless projects. But for some time I became less productive if not to name it quiet.

      All happened last year. When I wrote “Christmas decorations” it was little short story, but it didn’t look like proper short story. I was afraid of result and quickly remade it to play with same name.

      After it was play which is headache in draft. I made there ocean’s island and I need swimming pool. I tried different ideas, but if I put away something from it, story will fall down. I put away it also because I noticed there few plot holes because was wrong in character’s motivations perceptions.

      Then were short stories and other drafts about which I mentioned or not before. And I think that I could explain something, even it’s not best for my writer’s image.

      I have no idea how it happened, maybe it’s experience or knowledge, but I start to notice where is big problems. I can’t now write story from start to finish and be happy with results. I know that could do better, that I need make future changes and return to story.

      Next problem is my English level, now I have a plateau or something like this. There is terrible gap between passive knowledge vs active. I can’t move my active language and my rough drafts didn’t change, even if marked pages in vocabulary every day more. I can’t publish text which for me looks the same like my translation of “Perversion”.

      I know that I could return back to plays, but there I also want more and for research there is stagecraft.

      I hope that I am on the threshold of new level of my creativity results, but now it’s absolute mess and I try everything to receive results which I know that I could do. What I wrote is wrong of optimistic all the time image of writer. But I always believe in honesty with my readers. I really hope that solve this someday and somehow.

      8.30

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      Remedy from boredom.


      13.02.2018

      What I learned from reading of writing novels it’s love for boredom. Fine it was named theme which you will write again and again, because this is what need your readers.

      First and unpleasant about my writing routine – when I woke up at 5 o’clock in the morning my inner English-speaking part or identity didn’t wake up with me. I need read something on English for necessity to my mind work on that language. It takes time and when I find some level of concentration and productivity noises of repair kill everything what I planned to write.

      Second and repeated – idea of writing novels wasn’t my best. Write from 300 to 1000 pages of coherent text in English for me it’s the same that by foot walk by ocean’s bottom and name of ocean here is not important. Somehow I have big impressive ideas and with excitement I declare them. After that I work hard on research to see if this possible in real life how it worked in my wild fantasies.

      Third it’s some kind of border which I met. Not boredom, just doing the same over and over again without aim. I figured out that was wrong with how I uploaded and staged my plays. Of course, simplest decision is to left everything how it is and shut up for some time, because somewhere I should find bit of quiet. It could be named depression, it could be named understanding of wrong steps and searching time for some new direction. It doesn’t work for me, when I do nothing I become terrible person and it’s not my aim.

      From this – fourth. Reading about novel writing and their talks about form and work at composition, I figured out what is more important for me in each possible creative medium. I am storyteller in search of remedy of boredom. I can’t write about one theme again and again and I can’t just write one story if I could invent five more using the same theme.

      Examples of my thoughts. I wrote one play about kitchen, fashion, artist and I could name endlessly. Should I write more or it will be repeating of written? What to do with ideas which I invented in same “locations”? It reminds me rubrics in magazines. Culinary, after five pages – how to get fit and then cosmetic which could help to hide results from both previous activities.

      No one write plays such ways. It’s against rules write a novels such way. I couldn’t put in one novel stories like not connected episodes, it’s not Decameron – even there was some repeated themes.

      I couldn’t write plays with same props. It will be unusual when I use the same bike in romantic story and in ghost mystery. It will be recognizable on the photos.

      Even if I have someday writer’s block for new ideas I need somehow solve how to write ideas which I already have. For this thoughts and solutions as best idea will be quietness and absence of headache, but I have what I have.

      By the way idea to repeat the same theme, like artist I tried to think about. Draw birds, after them only horses and then have period with winters landscapes for four years. It works in learning process, I am sure. But I need to change creative aims, it’s priority of shiny objects which I had since journalistic.

      Idea to organize notes by genres also didn’t worked best. Sometime I have only one note for some genre and I am terribly avid – I love all my ideas.

      When I will be on the next step of problems with writings I will write about this.

      14.35

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      Process…


      11.02.2018

      In one of e-mails about writing I read how author excited about process which experience every writer during work. It should be honing and retold in whisper to make more fuss.

      Did I have a process? Did I notice that I have a process? Why someone will need my process? Why I think about all this questions?

      Writer should has drop of mystery and be crazy in friendly way. Maniac with whom will spend lovely morning in cafeteria?

      Process should have stages and be some private and a little bit personal to share with somebody. But then some deep instincts whisper to writer that “this reader is perfect victim… Victim? Did I say victim? Who said victim? This reader is perfect candidate who will listen to your story without judgment.” And story begin to flow with candles or other stuff which are necessary for inspiration.

      I always thought that for Process you need idea and some possibility to write it, because you are interested in what will be next.

      Fear is necessary part for process. Because person compare own previous work with future and scary that can’t repeat the same level. I believe in every new project, because I hope that this time my improved results in English knowledge test will make possible to drag themselves into my draft stage and revision won’t be red rivers of grammar’s tears.

      Syndrome of impostor scary writers about their level of knowledge. I wear this impostor sign with some proud. Yes, you didn’t ask me to write on English. Yes, you didn’t want to read my text in English. Thank you for warm welcome, here am I.

      It’s also some kind of fear, but this a little bit of perfection syndrome. Some writers like to be smart, clever and a little bit guru, especially if they teach others how to write.

      To be stupid is to be human. When yesterday I read draft of short story which I refused to publish as short story, I was thinking how to made from it play. No matter what I wrote, if I spend some time with draft I will find how to make from this play. And here I also notice possibility. It’s not part about stupidity, it’s about style of writing. Then I figured out how is better to make sketch, because I have part which take place in basement and room above it with other part with attic and room under it. Simplest decision – three floor with changing of lightening. I thought for fifteen minutes how every door should open. What’s wrong? Yes it’s different parts of house and there are more than one floor.

      Than starts stage of magic where words became part of the page. “Story writes itself”. Wow. Reason of process is to be humble witness of this magic. For me it’s always time what will be next, I want to know and I jump from scene to scene to find out how it was ended. It’s like watch movie and see only parts, because you move all the time narrative to see scene which will be before “the end”.

      And in the end there is meeting with reality, when you with sober eyes see what you already wrote. Good when it’s masterpiece and you just could drop tears on draft, because of beautiful which was created. For me it stage “Now it’s enough of fun”. I need to add scenes and a little bit of plot which explains how nun seduces Don Giovanni in a fairy tale about little girl who could notice wolf from first glance and just prefer social chatting.

      Process is such exciting, don’t you think? Writer should accept this stages and accept own creative journey with elves meeting around every corner.

      We all want some magic in our lives. We all want to show that our work is interesting and exciting. We want to explain yourself and others why we do it. It’s reasonable wish, but reasons shouldn’t be main in love. Without love better not to start any journey, especially writing.

      7.55

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      Conditions for imagination.


      10.02.2018

      I don’t believe that you could be creative in every circumstances. Noise is really strong factor against concentration. Problem that now it’s “not a season for repair” and prices are lower, gave chance to people in every building spend time on repair. What I could choose is only level of noise of which I will have headache.

      I tried all ideas with calming music in combination with vibrating walls. Even sound of ocean’s waves didn’t work. Jazz, bossa nova was painful. I never give up during search. It was unusual, but my choice was soft rock, electric guitar and instrumental ballads. Everything without words. I have no idea if such kind of music could be used as accompaniment to writing fiction text, but it help to survive somehow and works in blog writing.

      I am strong believer that should be some conditions for work of imagination. I tried different techniques – woke up at 5, did some reading and only after it switch on computer. If there was possibility I just went to sleep as early as possible and sleep till 8 o’clock in the morning. Noise at day took away all creative plans. I only add notes and try to think in this circumstances.

      Probably for writers it’s good idea – one book during year. Somehow, someday, you will find possibility to concentrate on text. Did I mention that read in such noise is also problematic, I just look at images. When look at art thoughts are absolutely different.

      Reading about novel writing gave me lot of thinking. I hate to change my mind, it looks not professional. But what they propose I already did with my theater plays. I add there description even in form of illustration. I show what should be imagined by reader.

      I know that I made huge mistake with such form of my text. I as writer made first work of director and designers. I made everyone who could want to stage my texts an epigones of my work. I took away possibility to be first person who show text. I already made it.

      I stage it in theater with my name on it. I was such inspired and bewitched of this process that I didn’t think that made impossible for others to be creative or original in understanding my story. I even choose actors whom could play each character (I am about actors which you already saw in all my shows wooden and plastic). What I could propose it’s only possibility for remake which all the time will be compared to my work.

      I don’t think it was my ambitious plan, just found conditions in which my imagination will be free to do something.

      Why I wanted to write a novel? To hide all that I already damaged in my writing. Did I mention that I wanted to add my illustrations to text? Someone is never change. No matter that I am Leo on horoscope, here I will choose image of tiger which tries to hide own stripes and pretend that in general it’s big home cat.

      I fought with myself for long period of time. In previous few month I stopped and not published few text, because in them I destroyed borders which should know playwright. I made theater, you know like in Muppet’s show and made there performances.

      In childhood I was in many museums which were houses and what impressed me more there weren’t fancy furniture or gold everywhere, not even unique art. I was always jealous with home theater. No matter if it was a stage or it was puppet theater, where you could perform. This was always real luxury for me.

      When I had crisis in journalistic, I wanted to change profession. Before my attempt to learn somehow English, it was wish to became a theater or film director. I always need everything in storytelling with tiny details. Yes, it’s too much control or it could be named responsibility. First what stopped me was cost of such education, second and main – what and how should I learn. I choose self education with practical part which I made for previous four years.

      I could write novels or short stories, plays or scripts, what will be in the end is world which I want to show. And what I make for me is more important that possibility that it could be staged and marketing to make it happened.

      I read a lot about what should make writer, how behave, how made plans and what to write in e-mail newsletters that people will buy on special price 99 cents three books. What I learned during this time that I am not commercial writer and never will be one.

      I am an artist and couldn’t change myself. What I do it’s not texts, it’s performance. It’s my exhibitions with sand sculptures till next wave. I will still refuse of everything to invent other project. I am not practical, I am not business like person. You could call me failure, I still will make my art of telling stories and build stone by stone, brick by brick my theater.

      My next attempt to write something in English will be in other quiet day.

      11.30

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      Addiction to planners.


      8.02.2018

      Writer’s life tightly connected with stationery. It’s not the main reason in choosing this profession, but definitely one of its pleasures.

      Maybe there are some planners for playwright, but resources for usual writers are diverse. And they really impress me not with prices, but with addiction to planners and accounting.

      Daily progress of words written proposed in every colour and design. It’s not worth time if you write by hand. Sure, before revision it gives you some feelings of accomplishment, but not the final possible result of your work.

      If use hashtag about planners you will be drown in all possible prettiness. They really look amazing on photos. Stickers, watercolours and different pens – all shine. It’s what every girl dream in 10, maybe even 12 years. Shiny glitters and beautiful pictures, without planning what to do, because you can’t prioritize homework from school. And quotes which written in unusual colour. I wasn’t good in drawing and I asked my neighbour, who draw good (she even finished modelling clothes education) to add beautiful pictures in my empty notebooks. Now for this you could use endless pictures on-line and put them virtually or print and add physically.

      Did you see art journalling in addition to planners? It should help to open your creativity. It also remind me times when I cut from magazines pictures which had to inspire me. If glue wasn’t good enough for tiny pages – as result you had folded in tiny creases pictures. I had all this and I believed that it should stay somewhere in the memories of childhood.

      One good thing which they bring back it’s calligraphy. Difficult to refuse chance to write something amazing on poster for your story.

      Most of all impress me when it named – business planners - and it’s pink with shining stars, could be also others tinctures, but sense is the same. When I study at school were first articles translated from English in teenagers magazines of idea of colour coding all your learning materials. To bring some pleasures in learning schedule. I get it.

      When I started write a lot and mostly plays, I used process which resembled staging of text. I planned my locations, drawing interiors and making costumes. Word count has with it nothing common.

      Looking at all this planners I can’t refuse idea that here is something wrong. It’s not only for remember dates or what you want to do, it’s replacing something what you didn’t receive in life. I don’t know, it takes hours to work with planners. I used systems with plan ahead and wrote only what I already did. It’s endless waste of time. I never return to that planners to check my proud or feed my lazy thoughts.

      I believe in drastic changes in life, which are impossible to plan. During reading what I have in my notes I found story Брунхильдина любовь.pdf
      which is plot and draft of Until I went away.pdf

      Honestly, I was such proud of this written story, till I prepared it revision. What I see in short story on Russian is just plot which I changed to soliloquies which is more interesting, because till end it’s hold twist that this is cat. In story intrigue opened in first few paragraphs.

      I changed story and remake I liked more than original. Moving in profession could be planned, but you never could guarantee it.

      I can’t plan my writing sessions, because it will be interrupted not by me, but others with endless repair in some of neighbours flats. If they was on first floor, than I could predict that they truly are in search for oil.

      I live in moment and try to do what I could, rarely want, in some amount of time. I understand that next quiet day will be Sunday and I see like my ideas of novel writing disperse with vibration from walls and my heavy headache. Maybe I will start to explore genre of flash fiction, or something like that.

      Haiku is much shorter, I should think about it. And this is first attempt:

      Quiet, quiet, quiet
      Raindrop in the
      Thunderstorm.

      7.55

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      Hybrid writer?


      6.02.2018

      In quiet mornings I try as much as possible read novel writing advices in English. After repair began – near 10 o’clock or much earlier every morning and till the evening – I can’t think, completely. So, no matter when I publish text it all I made during morning.

      I am very excited, when I learn something new, especially when it’s about me. With surprise I found out that I am hybrid writer or become officially one, if manage to write what I now have in ideas, outlines, drafts.

      Hybrid it’s author who writes in different genres. Usually it’s unusual when writer interested in many subjects. Really? You could write warning sign somewhere. And for not confuse pure reader, hybrid writers use pen names under which they hide all their identities. Does it sound like spy mystery? Why James Bond all the time names himself?

      It’s creepy when writer propose to enter different sites and explains different writers identities. Some time ago it could work in usual publishing, but now when everyone lives on-line – all identities use different accounts and promote with different newsletters. What you do with your face? Did they change color of hair or just remember that your identity – novel writer of historical dramas never will wear purple skirt, which is favorite for your science-fiction identity. It’s enough cold outside -18C to have also chills when I think about it.

      This idea that writer couldn’t write in different genres bring me nostalgic feelings about theater plays project, where no one cares about your identity and there are only few names which are recognizable in this business. Every playwright wrote historical and modern plays and didn’t receive troubles that readers will be shocked about change of interests.

      Dear novel writers, I can’t understand your rules. I can’t understand that you choose one epoch and live there like nothing else is exist. Even fantasy I had in different lands, I have two witches which live in unique universes. I have endless ideas, few of them are stand alone and other could be with to be continued. And what they propose it’s choose one and “create a name” in this genre.

      My jumps from one idea to other is based on that “one direction”. You know like in joke. “Lion gathered all animals and said that they should choose and divide to two camps. At one will be clever, at other will be beautiful. Everyone made own decisions and only monkey run all the time and couldn’t stop with one camp. “What are you doing?” - asked her Lion. “I am clever and beautiful, I can’t tear up myself.” - answered Monkey.”

      Such troubles in genre before I even started to struggle with description and my level of English knowledge. Even in urban fantasy there are different genres. How paranormal is story? I have a ghost with terrible character, he is not paranormal, except he is ghost. I don’t like to put in my stories dragon’s if it’s not tiny dragons in child’s play. And my dragons don’t turn themselves in the attractive man. Dear writer, what is the zoology driven attractiveness?

      Classification it’s good idea. Many years ago I already wrote that didn’t choose different personalities in different languages. Sorry, I am the same, without chance that I will behave like Justine from Cannes or Mary from Yorkshire or Gretta from Vienna.

      I had time of pen-name playing when wrote on Ukrainian like Дара Серпнева, because my surname was too Russian to be published. I know that I wrote it, but when I saw it on magazine’s page, I didn’t feel that it was my work. It’s not my name, no one will identify this with me. To not scary reader? Why I need reader who will be scary of my writing diversity.

      In art there are too much rules and it’s pity that writers agree to such borders, it’s refusing of any fun in creative journey.

      9.50

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      Danger.


      4.02.2018

      During first steps of work to solve what to do with my notes, I choose dangerous step. It could be joke for people who not live in Ukraine, but it’s really decision which could add lot of problem in my life.

      I decided to upload some old texts which never was published. In Ukraine it’s could be seen as support of the enemy if write something on Russian.

      It happened that part of my creative texts were written on Russian. Most of them were written before situation and for coward live of dumb person I should refuse them and with tears be disappointed in my previous sins. It’s just happened that I didn’t write on Polish, it could be also seen as step against my country.

      World is mad, my country is absolutely crazy because of languages. I decide to put on-line texts on Russian and Ukrainian, because it’s my archive and I admired multilingualism of Івана Яковича Франка та Лесі Українки.

      It’s not protest. It’s not understanding borders which proposed to creative person. For me it’s like rule to draw in oil paint and be guilty for using watercolour to express some ideas.

      No one knows when English will be also language of our enemies or French or Italian, Slavonic languages already shifted in this category.

      Pity, but I remember times when we wanted to be a part of world and were proud that knew many languages. What happened now it’s lack of mind and I don’t think that there are some pills to help with that. People with power with such ideology are end of culture in country.

      About other things. I changed index and again divided everything for languages. It will be for me easy to add works. Main blog still is this, where will be all new links.

      Today I add tiny play for kids in Ukrainian, I wrote it in 2009. Now I think it’s not scary of size of text.
      Король звірів та його неприємності.pdf

      Second text is in Russian from 2008. Some things will never change in my life.
      Шумовички.pdf

      Repair at neighbour’s flat is main reason why I made all work at Sunday morning. I am tired to work and live in quiet times from other people’s life. So this text is of current interest like always.

      9.55

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      Unusual decision.


      3.02.2018

      When you try to change one thing you switch on chain reaction which is not always what you wanted at the beginning. I had simple idea to start write novels.

      With my appetite it’s no something little, it should be serial based on novels drafts with lot of characters. Usual syndrome of world building.

      In my creativity there is one problem, which spoil everything – over productivity. When I opened shelves with draft there were not only this novels. There are folders in which in alphabet order are different ideas and outlines. I am not happy that have a lot of ideas, I am panicked what to do with everything.

      All my bookcases are full, like computer and endless USB drives with material for different projects. They are everywhere and they bring real pain and suffering to me. They should be written and they should be finished and revised and uploaded.

      I am not that kind of person who could work five years at one project and only after finishing moved to other. I need it all, I need it now. I am always hunger for new ideas and plans how to made them real.

      Research for first novel will need some time and some drop of other foreign language in addition to language of my work – English. And this is with draft which is written on Russian.

      I chose unusual decision.

      At first postpone novels series.

      Second – I still want to write novel. And I need to start from some standing alone story.

      Third – I need to solve problem with organizing my creative notes, materials, books and researches. I need not only productivity, but also choose some borders for it and somehow made results. Lawyers somehow could have few cases in court and didn’t get mad. I need to find out how managed my writing projects, because I daily add something for them.

      My unusual decision – to write about organizing, because I plan to read and try it hard in my life. It won’t be blog posts. It will be novelette or novel about different organizing structures. It will be mystery, because I will try to unite three outlines which already have about that theme. First it were never published advises how to make home cozy, second was about organizing paper for writers (I already thought about it) and third it’s about home cleaning business.

      Of course it’s not Hamlet problems, but it’s daily headache for working at home writer and I need to solve it now, because in first novel in series I need at least twenty characters with back stories, I should know how to organize all notes. I had that problem before – in draft which I read I found the same explanation of event in different words two times during 50 pages, it’s not good for writing level which I want to produce now.

      11.10

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      New direction.


      1.02.2018

      New month and new direction in creative journey. New it’s forget or, in my case, not used old. I wrote that I had attempt to write novels on Russian language, it was many years ago. Drafts were in folders and I haven’t idea what to do with them. My usual emotion when I love what I did, but see that now text should be changed.

      For few days I thought what to choose. To write new, to make “to be continued” for old plays. This project is my long time creation with lot of details and it was the reason for my decisions which I made in learning.

      Problem that I saw project like made from one piece: unchangeable and wrong. And at first refused it as possible, but after few days I saw whole story which I had in three novels drafts like bricks which could be at the beginning of new story, because it will be different narrative, but with ideas which are already strong.

      Parts which are useful changed completely story which I could write. Endless plot possibilities added to previous outlines. And I saw that I want to do it, not sure how organize it, but first part is understanding what I need to research and then will be time for outline.

      It won’t take me week to organize, write and finish it. Today I wrote first few paragraphs in fountain pen. I love this story, I almost forgot how much. To which level – story is from first person point of view like was in old draft. I adore this story, no matter that not everyone could think it’s healthy theme choice.

      Novel, or long text at foreign language it’s challenge by itself and with my imagination, it won’t be easy. To write series and to use ideas which I had it’s scary and inspiring at the same time. I don’t like feeling that some of my writing could be outdated.

      I am really excited that I found solution. Revisiting drafts it’s not returning to old friends it’s returning to myself, to ideas which I had before with knowledge which I have now.

      11.25

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      Refusal as choice.


      29.01.2018

      Today is last Monday of January and I am sure that I won’t upload new text in this month. Problem not in that I did nothing, but in I made too many attempts in creative field.

      Like it could be guessed by name of post, many of them I refused to move further. I read a lot, I think a lot and made a bunch of wrong decisions and didn’t make a step to what is right.

      I wrote that my current problem in texts that I started to write too many locations, too many characters and second lines. For my stories is not enough now just chair and table on the stage like was at the beginning. I was poisoned and seduced at the same time with possibility to show what I saw in the story. Decorate own stage and made costumes for characters it’s such attractive activity that you forget how much time and money you spend on it. You just play with your invented world and can’t stop.

      Perhaps it looks like I didn’t trust directors or designers and believe only in my vision. It’s not true, no matter how it looks like. This wish to show in whole color what I see is endless love to each story. Yes, I like all my stories and I want to show others what I see. Probably it was too much for playwright.

      I shouldn’t went on this road and show what everyone hide – playwright and screenwriter could make their story alive with own knowledge of text which they create. It moves us to films where director and screenwriter is one person. It could be named total control or deep understanding of material.

      About movies, I was thinking about scripts, sure. Like always in my imagination I moved two miles further from text. I not only searched how to draw human figure in motion, but also planned to research frame composition in film. It’s work of team, but in wish to show your story it’s too much. And after deep thinking I refused of this road.

      Storyboard, sketches of costumes, I am not director and there is one chance to billion that someone will be such impressed to allow me to make first film by myself. Put this huge work on-line just for quantity is too wrong, even for me.

      To say that my refusals gave me pleasant time is to lie. Just when you try something again and again without result you start to think that problem is in attempts.

      Some time ago I wrote that most of all I don’t want to be a novelist. Because there are lot of books out there, there are still problems in my English level. And I could name reasons to refuse for three days. Then I read article by screenwriter, who worked in business for 20 years. He wrote that problem with what we write there is limited quantity of people who will read your text if it never be filmed or staged. It’s paradox we write for potential big auditorium and then in form of our texts we put huge border from them.

      I can’t tell that many of people who I know love to read plays before bed. Few of them honestly told me that my play was first play which they read after finishing school or university, where plays were in reading list. What we write is coding for people who know our language. It’s not Esperanto, but definitely not French in which everyone knows “o-la-la!”. It could be used as communication, but person should be used to such form.

      And in that article I also read that screenwriter started to write novels, because of freedom to be read, possibility to use what you want in everything from locations to time of day for scene. It’s not proper quotation, because after it I read a lot of articles about comparison of screenplay and novel. Of course, script is shorter to write, less responsibility for author. But in novel - “you have all money to produce what you want with pen and paper”. Again we returned to freedom.

      I am not ready to promote or sell books or marketing them. There are novels which published for free, as part of writer’s promotion own existence. Probably it will be my first plan to write novel, novelette, some text more than 10000 words and put it on-line. I wasn’t prepared for this and have no idea how long it will take for me.

      I am a little bit stressed, because I made decision based on someone else experience. It’s experience not of one person, also I found similarities in my own situation. Without clairvoyance I could tell that probably in stories will be also pictures, because some habits is difficult to refuse. For me now easy to find reason why I need art in my life than refuse it like waste of time.

      Probably I will return someday to plays form. I have no idea. What I have now – is too many not finished and not published texts which needs more place than stage. I could be wrong, but I will try something new in my storytelling activity.

      9.25

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